COMEDYZINE.COM

2017 CELEBRITY
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS


PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP
Make America great again by issuing an executive order declaring myself king of the world.



VLADIMIR PUTIN
More compliments toward President-elect Trump.




PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
Make a pilgrimage to Mecca.



JOHN PODESTA
Never click a phishing link again and sign up for Norton security & scan computer daily for viruses.



PHILIPPINES PRESIDENT RODRIGO DUTERTE
Kill more drug addicts.






HILLARY CLINTON
Book my ticket on the next Virgin Galactic space flight.



A CHICAGO POLICEMAN
Same as last year, kill fewer innocent people.



RONDA ROUSEY
Concentrate on my acting career.




JAROMIR JAGR
Pass Gordie Howe's 801 goals for second all-time in National Hockey league goal scoring.



ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN NETANYAHU
More settlements, less Obama.



WARREN BUFFETT
More oil related stocks.




BILL CLINTON
Join Jeffrey Epstein for a Caribbean vacation of meditation.



KEITH ELLISON
Remake the DNC in my image.



JEREMY CORBYN
More justice & more taxes for all!



BILL COSBY
Have sex with a woman who is awake.



JOHN MCCAIN
Stop chewing tobacco.



HARRY REID
More Bocce ball!



EDMONTON OILERS
Same as every year. Make the playoffs.



RUSH LIMBAUGH
Lose weight.




ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI
Create fake news that I am once again dead.



BASHAR ASSAD
Be more hospitable to President Putin.



TURKISH PRESIDENT RECEP TAYYIP ERDOGAN
Jail more journalists.



JEB BUSH
Do cool things.



MICHELLE OBAMA
Eat more pizza!



SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL

Pass every House bill in Senate and send it to the president for him to sign.



ROSIE O'DONNELL
More dumb jokes about Barron.



SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN
Repeal Obamacare



ANTHONY WEINER
More sexting.



COMEDYZINE WRITERS
Same as every year. More booze!






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