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2020 CELEBRITY
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS


PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
More jobs, more tweets and another four year term.



Adam Shiff
ADAM SCHIFF
Do more latenight television comedy shows.



Satya Nadella
MICROSOFT CEO SATYA NADELLA
Enable a Windows update without freezing millions of computers.



WARREN BUFFETT
Buy Bitcoin!



JEREMY CORBYN
Send out resume.



Joe Biden
JOE BIDEN
Double up on my donepezil.




HILLARY CLINTON
Enter the race for the Democratic nomination for president.



LORI LOUGHLIN
LORI LOUGHLIN
Prep for prison by binge watching Orange Is the New Black.



TURKISH PRESIDENT RECEP TAYYIP ERDOGAN
Send the next wave of Syrian refugees on to Europe.



EDMONTON OILERS
Same as every year. Make the playoffs.



Pete Buttigieg
PETE BUTTIGIEG
No more wine cave fundraising dinners with billionaires.



Michael Bloomberg
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
Get a clip-in manbun to make myself look hip.



Nancy Pelosi
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI
Get started on the second impeachment before the first impeachment gets cold.



PRINCE ANDREW
Stay out of the press.



JUSTIN SUN
Pump Tron.



ANTHONY POMPLIANO
Pump Bitcoin.



PETER SCHIFF
Pump gold.



Elizabeth Warren
ELIZABETH WARREN
Buy another red blazer jacket.




BARACK OBAMA
Make a pilgrimage to Mecca.



Bill Clinton
BILL CLINTON
More Viagra, more orgies, less Hillary.



RASHIDA TLAIB
RASHIDA TLAIB
Remake the DNC in my image.



BASHAR ASSAD
No more Mister Nice Guy.



ROBERT DE NIRO
Be more expressive of my feelings of President Trump.



SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL

Speed up the judicial confirmation process and no more commenting on President Trump's tweets.



Justin Trudeau
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN TRUDEAU
No more dressing in blackface.



COMEDYZINE WRITERS
Same as every year. More booze!





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