The city of Babylon shall never receive an expansion NFL football team.

A plague of 40,000 locusts will descend on Altoona, Pa. and Locust fingers will become a happy hour favorite.

An evil, oppressive stench, foul and overpowering will waft up from the bowels of Hell and permeate Washington, D.C. Coincidentally, it will occur the same day Sen. Ted Cruz has a bean burrito at Taco Bell.

"I am no prophet, nor a prophet's son, I am a herdsman," shall one day be said by a herdsman.

The Antichrist will be a very tricky and clever fellow. He will claim that he is not the Antichrist and that it is not a 666 branded on his hand but a 999.

The 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse will appear in New York City. They will be arrested for not abiding the city's pooper scooper law.

A final war will break out between the people of the East and the West and in this war a horrifying new weapon will be introduced. This powerful new Chinese super-weapon will unleash agonizing forces on all of mankind. It will be served with rice and an egg roll.

Sometime in the year 2020 a plague of sex demons will go on an all night rampage in a major American city. It will occur shortly after and in the same city as the NBA All Star game.

The messiah will come and be a guest on the Jerry Springer Show and shortly after decide that the world is not worth saving.

The Tower of Babel will one day become a fast food restaurant. Always order from the value menu and get the combo to save money.

The establishment of the state of Israel will occur, they too shall never receive an expansion NFL football team. However they will receive an expansion NHL hockey team.

Hundreds of women shall be impregnated after being attacked by packs of monstrous demons. Within one month's time these women shall give birth to small, evil imps who will eventually become Tea Party members of Congress.

A massive storm will erupt on the surface of the sun sending a tidal wave of heat and light barreling into Earth. The brightness will cause millions to go blind. Coincidentally, it will occur as millions of people are masturbating.

A legion of God's angels, 2500 strong, will arrive in the sea near the state of Texas. The Border Patrol will drive these illegal aliens back to a land called Mexico.

When the messiah comes he will have fresh, minty breath.

Daniel is heading tonight on a plane. I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain.

There will be multiple sightings of lesser known Biblical figures such as John the Baptist, Ezekiel and Abraham. They will carry signs that say 'will work for food' and people will ignore them.

The 3 wise men will appear. There names will be Moe, Larry and Curly and they will teach children 'the block'.

The Euphrates River will be dried up to prepare a new high speed freeway.

All people on the earth will receive a number which will be drawn from a Powerball lottery.

Jesus shall return and proclaim himself a Jew. He will be considered an imposter and live quietly in Boca Raton, Florida.

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