ComedyZine.com

WHAT THEY SAID
&
WHAT THEY MEANT

We all have met people that say one thing and mean another. Many well known people have spoken out on various topics.
We have listed some quotes in the news and what we believe was actually meant. Political, business and sports news quotes taken with a dose of satire.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school."
- Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry in a campaign commercial.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I'm ashamed to admit I am a third tier candidate and can only hope to win the religious right vote by talking about gays and reminding people I am a Christian so they will forget my debate losses.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"It feels great,"
- Tiger Woods after winning the Chevron World Challenge.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I'm back!


WHAT THEY SAID,
"With a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign."
- Herman Cain announcing he will suspend his presidential campaign after allegations of a long time sexual affair and several sexual harassment allegations.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
My wife has told me to suspend my presidential campaign or my marriage and after a lot of prayer and soul searching I chose to suspend my presidential campaign.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys."
- Jerry Sandusky answering Bob Costas during a phone interview on the NBC program “Rock Center” on whether he was sexually attracted to young boys.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I’m not sexually attracted to young boys however I shower in the nude with them and I enjoy young people. I love to be around them in the shower. They are umm,umm good!


WHAT THEY SAID,
"There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."
- Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, on his three marriages and having cheated on his wife while Speaker of the House with U.S. House of Representatives employee and now current wife Callista Bistek.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I put a flag over Callista's face and screwed her for the country. I am very passionate.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"Their philosophy is simple, we are better off when everybody is left to fend for themselves and play by their own rules. I am here to say they are wrong."
- President Barack Obama, on the Republican Party.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Republicans will leave you to die a slow death. I am your savior.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"One of these days we'll have a conversation about Newt Gingrich, I know a lot about him. I served on the investigative committee that investigated him, four of us locked in a room in an undisclosed location for a year. A thousand pages of his stuff."
- House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi on former Speaker of the House and current Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I could spill the beans on Newt Gingrich and end his campaign but I will wait until he is the Republican nominee.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"If she's suggesting she's going to use material that she developed when she was in the ethics committee - that is a fundamental violation of the rules of the House and would I hope that members would immediately file charges against her the second she does."
- Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, on House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi saying she would have a conversation about Newt Gingrich.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am screwed, again!


WHAT THEY SAID,
"Certainly we will discuss this issue with the government of Pakistan and we will talk to them, this issue is extremely serious and important to us."
- Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai on the series of suicide bombings in Afghanistan claimed to be by a Pakistani extremist group with possible ties to Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Maybe in a war between Pakistan and the U.S. we now side with the U.S.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I simply do not know where the money is, or why the accounts have not been reconciled to date."
- Former U.S. senator, New Jersey governor & former MF Global chief executive Jon Corzine, on where many hundreds of millions of dollars of MF Global's clients’ missing money is.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am a former senator, governor and CEO, I don't care about other peoples' money.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"We need to safeguard ourselves from this interference in our internal affairs and defend our sovereignty,"
- Russian Prime Minister Vladimir V. Putin on world condemnation including from U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, that Putin's election win was rigged.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
We need to safeguard ourselves from this interference in our internal affairs so I can become dictator for life.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm prepared to take the heat for saying let's be humane in enforcing the law without giving them citizenship, but by finding a way to create legality so they are not separated from their families,"
- Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, on the millions of illegal immigrants currently residing in the United States.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Free green cards for everyone!


WHAT THEY SAID,
"Despite being the main target, he was not damaged."
- Iowa Republican strategist Richard Schwarm on Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's ABC debate performance.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
He wasn't damaged anymore than he already is.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"Rick, I'll tell you what: 10,000 bucks? $10,000 bet?"
- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney asking rival presidential candidate Rick Perry to a bet on the accuracy of Perry's claim about Romney's book.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will bet $10,000 that you are wrong, I would bet more but I only have pocket change on me.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm not a bomb thrower, rhetorically or literally."
- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am political milk-toast and I have never been in the military.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I will tell the truth even at the risk of causing some confusion sometimes with the timid."
- Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will tell the truth and then change my position so not to alienate those I have infuriated with the truth, causing some confusion on my position.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"If you look at Newt Romney, they were for the illegal immigration problem. If you look at Newt Romney, they were for the $700 billion bailout, and you just heard Newt Romney is also with Obama on the issue of the payroll extension."
- Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann on rivals Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are the same as Barack Obama.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I wanted to give people health insurance. You wanted to give young girls a vaccine. There are differences."
- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, to rival candidate Rick Perry on government mandates each have signed into law in their respective states.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
We both like government mandates.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I offered strategic advice, I was in the private sector, I was doing things in the private sector,"
- Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, on accepting accepting $1.6 million from home mortgage insurer Freddie Mack.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I left office for the private sector so I could make millions off of the government and pay for expensive jewelry at Tiffany's. Look at those beautiful pearls my wife is wearing, you can't buy that at Wal-Mart.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"People have a right to express their position, which they did yesterday."
-Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, in a Facebook comment on the Russian demonstrations claiming election fraud by Vladimir Putin.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
They have expressed their position and now Vladimir Putin will become the new president for life.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"What we witnessed today was a democratic protest by a section of the population who are displeased with the official results of last week's elections,"
- Vladimir Putin's spokesman, on Russian demonstrations claiming election fraud by Vladimir Putin.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
This is just like Bush versus Gore with Facebook.


WHAT THEY SAID,
"I think it's possible."
- President Barack Obama, on whether the unemployment rate will be down to eight percent by the time of the presidential election.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I pray to God it will.


WHAT THEY SAID & WHAT THEY MEANT


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