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THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

The long anticipated restart of the Weekly Tirade never happened due mainly to being too busy. I have a few different projects I have been working on and that has left little time for my column or ComedyZine.com. Everytime I plan to start ComedyZine.com up something else seems to appear. This year is no different but have a few spare minutes to get a minor update so I thought I would put a Tirade together of some observations...

Can't help but wonder how the good people of Toronto could elect a buffoon like Rob Ford as mayor. A little tip for Mayor Ford, if you look like Chris Farley don't act like him. Rob Ford has said he wants to be Canada's Prime Minister. If he thinks he will get elected Prime Minister he is on crack...
Vice President Joe Biden said of the Obamacare website HealthCare.gov, "we’re going to fix it, God willing,” If it takes an act of God, I don't like those odds. Maybe they should get the tech guys from Full Tilt Poker to fix the HealthCare.gov website. It works a little like a ponzi scheme, they need more people to sign up for health insurance to pay for those that already have insurance and pre-existing conditions. If it wasn't government owned they would close it down as a ponzi scheme...
Saw the TV commercial for FOX Sports with Michael Strahan against bullying. Apparently the Miami Dolphins haven't seen it. Dolphins Richie Incognito is accused of bullying his teammate Jonathan Martin. But Incognito claims Martin texted him about killing Incognito's family but he said no big deal, that is just how they talk to each other. Sounds like a job for Michael Strahan and his anti-bulling team. Turns out Incognito was investigated In 2012 for allegedly molesting a female volunteer at the team's golf tournament by using his golf club to touch her by rubbing it up against her vagina. It's a golf tournament. He wanted a hole in one...
Malala Yousafzai, the 16-year-old activist who was shot in the head by Taliban militants has written an autobiography. Sixteen years-old seems a little young to write an autobiography you have so much ahead of you, then again maybe not when the Taliban have promised to kill you. It might be the right time to write that autobiography. Where is FOX's Michael Strahan and his anti-bullying team? Don't see them going after the Taliban. Shooting a 16-year-old girl in the head is the ultimate bullying. The FOX anti-bullying team will help a kid if someone calls them a name, get shot in the head and they are nowhere to be found...
When I watch the NHL Network they often have "NHL Insiders" Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie to give the latest scoop, both work for the Canadian TSN sports network. Next year when the Rogers TV deal starts they may be introduced as NHL Outsiders if they don't move to Rogers...
New studies from the University of South Florida indicate that psilocybin found in magic mushrooms, triggers new brain cell growth, and erases frightening memories. This explains why so many students take magic mushrooms, it is to get smarter and to forget those frightening memories of being straight...
Senate Democrats changed the filibuster rule in the Senate known as the "nuclear option" making only a simple majority needed to conduct business. For some perspective all of the Democrats that were for it now were against it when Republicans controlled the senate and all of the Republicans that are against it now were for it when the Republicans controlled the senate. With a few exceptions like Senator John McCain who was always against it. The difference is now the minority party can't hold up presidential appointments and nominations, so regardless which party controls the White House and Congress, Washington will now and forever be working. And some people think that is a bad idea, especially the minority party because they will see the party the people elected actually get the things done they were voted in to do. The moral of the story, when government is working, the minority party is not happy because it is not them working...
There is a strange dangerous trend called "knockout" where someone tries to randomly knock out an unsuspecting person with one punch to the head while walking down the street. Recent attacks have occurred in New York, New Haven, Washington, D.C. and suburban Philadelphia. No word if it has been tried in Florida where concealed weapons and the "Stand your Ground" law might get the perp a bullet in the head. Deservingly so...
NBA fined Brooklyn Nets coach Jason Kidd $50,000 for spilling his drink and delaying the game. Kidd allegedly had a player bump into him to spill his drink on the court to buy some time to draw up a plan as the clock winded down. I believe the bump/spill is the same move he does to meet women in a bar...
Father and son deli-owner Nabil and Karim Jaghab are being held in a Nassau County Jail in Long Island New York, for second-degree grand-larceny for allegedly scamming a customer by paying the $1 million jackpot winner a $1,000 after confirming it was a winner. When the man who didn't speak English got suspicious and came back the next day they tried to give him ten thousand dollars not to go to the police, which he did. The odds of winning the lotto are bad but the odds are really bad when you have to deal with the Jaghab family. You may want to make sure their finger is not on the scale when you buy meat from that deli...
Amazon is testing drones for deliveries. The unmanned aerial vehicles will deliver packages in 30 minutes or less. You know Domino's will start delivering pizzas by drone. How much do you tip a drone? Most drones are currently used in aerial photography and 3D surveying. Some think eventually everyone will own a drone. With your own drone, you can check out the hot neighbor sun bathing on the other side of the fence or maybe do your own aerial photography and 3D surveying with a look in her bedroom window...
Many people are still mourning the death of Brian Griffin, known for his disdain of FOX News, Rush Limbaugh and George W Bush. The lovable liberal martini drinking dog of Family Guy after he was hit by a car and written off the show. Apparently Oliver Stone has a new movie coming out based on the conspiracy theory that a Republican operative drove the car that hit Brian. Bob Woodward also has a new book about what President Obama knew about Brian Griffin's death and his relationship with someone in the White House. And Rick Santorum is just glad Brian Griffin will no longer be having sex with humans...

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