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THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

This should make everyone think twice when you do a search on the web. Everybody has used Google for a search. If you haven't then there is something seriously wrong with you. We have all seen the Google auto-complete in the search box. You know when you type something in and it completes it assuming it knows what you want. Like if I typed in "lady" in a Google search it completes "lady" to "Lady Gaga." Well apparently Jeffrey Kantor was typing into a Google search box and claims he was typing in "How do I build a radio controlled airplane?" because he wanted to build one with his son but Google finished the sentence as "How do I build a radio controlled bomb?" He is now suing various federal agencies and department heads alleging civil rights violations, disclosure of private information and retaliation after he was fired from his job at Appian Corporation. He claims the government's campaign of harassment and investigation in him got him fired and it was all started by the Google auto-complete in a search. So the moral of the story is when you do that naked image search of your cute neighbor, big brother is watching and it isn't hers...
British student Nathan Bell, of Leeds University, agreed to have his testicles stapled after losing a virtual soccer match on the Fifa ’13 video game. That takes a lot of balls apparently he will now do commercials for Staples...
I know Fox News lives in their own reality but someone needs to explain to Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly that Santa Claus is not real. Bill O’Reilly is now defending Megyn Kelly’s comments that Santa Claus is white. Santa is a fictional character and can be any color the person telling the story wants him to be, except blue. The Smurfs have a copyright on blue fictional characters...
Tailgating at Detroit Lions games may be the best in the NFL. A school bus converted into an exotic dance club called the The Booty Lounge is available for Lions fans. Bikini clad dancers perform various lap and friction dances for tips. Brings a whole new meaning to being sacked...
Every time I see the NHL's Florida Panthers 20TH anniversary logo I get thirsty for a Dos Equis beer...
France's General Commission on Terminology and Word Invention has officially changed the word "sexting" to "textopornographie," obviously they were not thinking about texting the 17 letter word...
Germany is angered with the U.S after it was reported that the NSA had tapped Chancellor Angela Merkel's cell phone. How dumb is a government official if they think no one is listening in on a cell phone? A guy on a scanner in his basement can listen to cell phone calls. It doesn't take the NSA...
Miss Venezuela, Gabriela Isler won the Miss Universe contest. Apparently she like to take selfies. Selfie is when you take a picture of yourself with your phone. In case you didn't know this Britain's Oxford University Press named "selfie" word of the year for 2013. Miss Universe likes to post her selfies on Instagram. Unfortunately all the sexy topless selfies are of Anthony Weiner and all the clothed ones are of Miss Universe...
Scientists have developed a malware program that can transmit to laptops without being connected to a network with only the sound processor, speakers, and microphones. Coming soon: The sound you don't hear is your computer being hacked...
Rather ironic Uganda the country once ruled by Idi Amin, known for eating human organs passes tough new law against homosexuality. Eating organs still attached to a human not good, fried with onions and a glass of wine, okay...
Department of Homeland Security reports no evidence of broad sexual misconduct in Secret Service. Of course there is no evidence, they are a secret service...
Senate Commerce Committee report data companies selling lists, including of people with substance abuse problems. You thought it was just chance that the rehab flyer showed up in your mailbox and the local drug dealer was standing by your door. They both bought the same list you are on...
Apple's top app download of 2013: Candy Crush Saga.If you don't know what that is you are pathetic. I am pathetic...
CNBC's Jim Cramer' new book Get Rich Carefully. Best way to get rich, write a book on how to get rich...
Retailer Costco after accidentally labeling copies of the Bible as “fiction” at a store outside Los Angeles immediately relabeled all Bibles. Coincidentally Healthcare.gov relabeled their "Helpful Guide to the Affordable Care Act" also known as Obamacare as fiction. Apparently it wasn't as helpful as everyone thought...
In Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada, George Raynes and Carol Harris, both 83 tied the knot. Raynes who had moved, married and raised a family, went back for a visit months after his wife of 61 years passed away. In the 1930's Raynes was in a Grade 3 play of Sleeping Beauty where he played the prince and Harris the sleeping beauty in which he kissed her with as he describes it as a "a big wet one." Harris never married until now at age 83 when her prince came back seventy odd years later. The moral of the story is patience is a virgin...
A new study finds that one in 200 young American women claims to have experienced a virgin pregnancy. Coincidentally one in 200 young American women have also been in drunken stupor at the time...
A former Hollywood, Florida fortune teller who served prison time is back behind bars after admitting she used cocaine while on probation, apparently she didn't see it coming...
FDA warns attention deficit drugs may cause long-lasting erections lasting more than four hours. Long-lasting erections that is one way to get someone's attention...
Retailers like Wal-Mart to use facial-recognition scans for tailored advertisements, plastic surgeons against it, afraid it will hurt business...
According to a doctors study published in the British Medical Journal based on 007 James Bond's behavior of constantly drinking, womanizing and stunt driving, he would be both an alcoholic and have erectile dysfunction. It took a study of doctors to figure out that a guy that drives wild and survives, drinks and always gets the beautiful woman is fiction. If you drink like James Bond chances are you are going to look and act like Rob Ford...
According to a study Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, appears to help women who are suffering from moderate to severe menstrual cramps. Viagra could dilate blood vessels and increase blood flow to the uterus, which might help relieve pain. However the pill should not be taken orally due to side effects, it must be administered vaginally. So ladies pay attention, you insert the Viagra vaginally and this does two things, it relieves the cramps and gives your lover a reason to perform oral sex so he can get some of the Viagra and then to proceed using more than his tongue. Viagra the wonder drug...
Bikram Choudhury, the founder of the Bikram school of hot yoga is being sued in California by 5 different women who allege rape, sexual battery, fraud and false imprisonment. Bikram Yoga is practiced at a 105F temperature wearing skimpy clothes and doing exotic yoga poses. If that doesn't get you horny, what will? Choudhury claims Bikram works because the 100F heat loosens the muscles, helping them to go further than they would otherwise. Well that explains the rape allegations. Women are coming to him to be enlightened both spiritually and physically and they get Gandhi on Viagra...
Saw this Washington Post headline, "2014 not likely to be productive for a divided Senate." Thanks for the great investigative journalism! Is that really news? The House and Senate haven't been productive in years. The last few times the Congress was productive they gave us The Affordable Care Act and the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq Resolution of 2002. Some might argue a divided Congress is a good thing...

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