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THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

My take on the news that is just too long for Twitter...
Steve Wiles is a North Carolina Republican candidate for state Senate. He supported a constitutional amendment for a state law banning same-sex marriage. The one thing different from other Republicans is he once worked as a female impersonator at a gay nightclub. A Republican that once worked as a female impersonator at a gay nightclub that is for banning same-sex marriage is like a Democrat that once was worked for National Rifle Association and is a for gun control. According to the Winston-Salem Journal, a co-owner of the nightclub and a former employee where Wiles performed as a female impersonator claims he was gay at the time. Apparently he is not gay anymore and has apologized for the things he did when he was young. Republicans like to call that "Youthful indiscretions." Could be Steve Wiles is like Bill Clinton. He put it in his mouth, he just didn't inhale...
The Secret Service has new alcohol prohibitions due to an agent working President Obama's trip to the Netherlands that was found drunk and passed out in a hotel hallway. It is reassuring to know agents take their job seriously. Secret Service agents will now be banned from drinking alcohol for 12 hours before reporting for duty. Ohh that is tough, same rules that airline flight crews have. And no drinking for 24 hours prior to the president's arrival at a location they are working. Their job is to protect the President of the United States and they are passed out drunk in the hall of a hotel. The president would be better off just having someone who stayed at Holiday Inn Express than a secret service agent. At least they're rested...
A 19-year-old Tennessee woman, Dallas Archer was arrested after she allegedly tried to smuggle a loaded stolen handgun into prison by concealing it inside her vagina. Imagine if she could shoot with it while it was still in her. When she gets out of jail she could tour with the new Buffalo Bill's Wild West show. Bet Annie Oakley couldn't do that. Some women have big vaginas, I went with a woman she had a military assault weapon in her vagina, when I pulled it out Wayne LaPierre was still clutching it. He had know idea how he got inside her, most likely a black hole...
A woman has sued Res-Care, a provider of services to disabled people. She claims her supervisor a Florida human resources manager forced her to give him oral sex and called her at 2 a.m. demanding phone sex. Brings a whole new meaning to resources manager...
A new restaurant called Eenmaal opened in Amsterdam. It is a one of a kind, it caters to one of a kind, literally. It is a restaurant for people to eat alone. They have only tables for one. They currently are only in Amsterdam but plan on opening soon in London, Berlin and the U.S. I love the concept. Sometimes you have to go to lunch or dinner with someone you would rather not be with; like a coworker or someone who doesn't stop talking about themself. You go to Eenmaal and they have to sit at another table. It's brilliant. The idea is a restaurant to make people comfortable while eating alone apparently a lot of people are uncomfortable eating alone. I never had a problem eating alone, when I was doing stand-up I worked the road a lot and would always buy a newspaper and go to a restaurant. Yeah back in my day you got your news from a newspaper not your smartphone. Everyone laments the death of newspapers but we as a society are cutting down less trees and that is a good thing, unless you work for a newspaper...
Matt Bevin who is running a primary challenge to Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell in the Kentucky Senate race is in a little hot water for attending a pro-cockfighting rally in Corbin, Kentucky last month. He says he thought it was a pro-states rights rally but media reports have shown it to be a pro-cockfighting rally. And if you thought this had anything to do with roosters, this is Kentucky, think of it as naked Mixed Martial Arts. I believe Trojan will make their gloves. They should put Matt Bevin and Mitch McConnell in a naked Mixed Martial Arts match, winner goes against the Democrat. For the record I am against cockfighting, dog fighting and bullfighting. Full disclosure I have attended a bull fight, a youthful indiscretion...
According to a study published in the Journal of "Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory and Cognition" walking may help stimulate a person's ability to think creatively. So be creative take a walk. No word if sitting on your butt makes you dumb...
A Boca Raton man was arrested and accused of driving naked, masturbating and enticing a semi-truck driver on I95. Reportedly the masturbating naked man slowed down when the semi-truck slowed down and sped up when the semi-truck accelerated. He was pulled over by Troopers and denied driving naked or masturbating. However he couldn't explain the DNA evidence on his car's dashboard...
The FDA wants minimum age restrictions & health warnings on e-cigarettes they state, "many unanswered questions about the health effects" yet there are no health warnings for Genetically Altered Foods that children eat daily. Apparently the many unanswered questions about the health effects of eating genetically modified organisms are not that important. Everyone will have grown 3RD eye from eating GMO by the time FDA does something...
Cornell University graduate student Michael Smith's study shows the most painful place to get stung by a bee is the penis shaft, upper lip & nostril. So if you have a nose for pain, keep a stiff upper lip and your pants zipped. You should be all right...

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