COMEDYZINE.COM

THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

Researchers have found that sleep helps your brain form new neural connections, retaining things you learned. Good excuse to take a nap, it is good for the memory...
New words in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary include tweep, turducken and crowdfunding. Tweep is a person who uses the Twitter online message service to send and receive tweets. Not to be confused with a twit, a silly annoying person, however a tweep can be a twit. Turducken is a boneless chicken stuffed into a boneless duck stuffed into a boneless turkey. What do they call the person that stuffed a turducken into his mouth? Lucky. Crowdfunding is the practice of soliciting financial contributions from a large number of people, especially from the online community. Crowdfunding actually started at church. Went from passing the collection plate to passing the link...
New York City fired substitute teacher Cassandre Fiering after she asked her 4th-grade class to help her choose between two 30-something men in her life. If you are getting dating advice from 4th-graders, you probably shouldn't be teaching them...
Belmont Stakes has stated that California Chrome can wear his nasal strips, who even knew horses snored...
A Michigan State University team has created a system that extracts drinkable water from cow manure. The only problem is it tastes like shit...
Washington Post film critic Ann Hornaday wrote that movies may have encouraged the Isla Vista, California murder spree. So now film critics are murder critics? Jeff Bezos owns the Washington Post. Jeff Bezos also owns Amazon.com which sells movies. Maybe the twisted murderer bought his movie from Amazon so based on Ann Hornaday's theory Amazon.com could be the reason people are dead. Ann Hornaday better tell her boss Bezos to stop selling movies or it could lead to more murders...
A man charged with indecent exposure after exposing himself outside a Washington state Burger King told police his pants were down because he just had a "manzilian," a Brazilian wax for men and he removed his jeans because the jeans irritated his skin. He also apparently got out of his car because he had to fart and did not want to do that inside his car. What kind of a man waxes his balls and won't fart in his own car? A manzilian man. Really and he didn't lose a bet...
University of Tennessee fraternity has been suspended after students admitted to hazing by pouring hot sauce on a pledge's genitals. If you pour hot sauce on your wiener you get a hot dog. At least they didn't make him drive a car with the hot sauce on his genitals after getting a manzilian...
Albuquerque Isotopes and Dodgers farmhand Miguel Olivo, who once claimed he would like to be like Mike Tyson took a bite off of teammate Alex Guerrero's ear in a fight. Hey it could have been worse at he could have raped him. If you are going to act like Mike Tyson getting that cool face tattoo is the better option...
Florida Sen. Marco Rubio refuses to answer if hes ever smoked marijuana. Wonder if he would answer if he ever used heroin or crack? Or has he ever used a prostitute? Has he ever had sex with another man? If the only thing he won't tell is if he smoked pot, then he probably did. Honesty is the best policy. President Obama admitted as a kid smoking pot and recommended against others doing the same. If a politician won't admit smoking pot in 2014, there is a definite character flaw. Too bad because I was just starting to like Rubio. He is a bit of a puzzle, like a Rubik's Cube, except the Rubio Cube turns only to yellow...

Tirade Index

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