COMEDYZINE.COM

THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

Some things in the news, some Tweeted some not...
Before Michael Sam was cut by the St. Louis Rams, ESPN was reporting on Michael Sam's showering habits, followed by coverage of a hotdog eating contest. ESPN the worldwide leader in sports, covering everything that fits into a bun...
Australian ISIL fighter Khaled Sharrouf posted a picture of his young son holding the severed head of a slain Syrian soldier. Apparently it was take your child to work day in Islamic State. Nice to see a father bonding with his son...
A University of Buffalo study shows heterosexual couples who smoked marijuana less frequently had more domestic violence over the following year than those who smoked more marijuana. Moral of the study: help stop domestic violence smoke a joint...
According to new research published in JAMA Internal Medicine, the annual number of deaths from prescription drug overdose is 25% lower in states where medical marijuana is legal compared with states where it remains illegal. Maybe it is because doctors are not prescribing as many dangerous drugs when they can prescribe marijuana. In effect pot saves lives. Yes, marijuana the wonder drug...
The Jamaican government will decriminalize marijuana for religious, medicinal and scientific purposes. Smoking marijuana for religious beliefs that should help increase the congregation size...
PETA employee and vegan Whitney Calk's Tennessee vanity license plate "ILVTOFU" was turned down. Apparently she loves tofu and sex. Good for her...
Researchers have found that sleep helps your brain form new neural connections, retaining things you learned. Good excuse to take a nap, it is good for the memory...
Single mom Debra Harrell of South Carolina was arrested and charged with unlawful neglect of a child after she dropped her daughter off at the park on her way to work. People were outraged a mother leaving her child unattended at a park. Elsewhere in Gaza kids were killed by Israeli bombs while playing on the beach. When I saw these two stories in the news I thought, what kind of mother lets her kids play on the beach in the middle of a war zone? First off, it is a beach they could have drowned. Secondly, it is a war zone. Bombs and rockets are flying overheard and you let your kids play on the beach by themselves. Letting a kid play by herself in an American park gets you arrested, letting your kid play by himself in a war zone gets you sympathy. Regardless of whether you blame Israel for dropping bombs or Hamas for making them drop bombs; this mother allowed her children to be killed by letting them play unattended in a war zone. That is child neglect, letting your kid play in an American park is not...
A 4-year-old at the Doughnut Inn, a Monroe, Connecticut doughnut shop, was banned from the doughnut shop for asking a fat lady customer if she had a baby in her belly. Out of the mouth of babes. I am not being judgmental but if you look like you are pregnant you probably should cut back on the doughnuts...
A woman taking the drug rasagiline for Parkinson's disease was taken to hospital for spontaneous orgasms after getting three to five orgasms daily. Want to cheer up your wife? Forget flowers get her a prescription for rasagiline...
A Seattle man trying to kill a spider using a lighter and a can of spray paint burned down his home. The good news is the spider will no longer bother him...
A new study finds early-morning people are more dishonest at night, while night people are more dishonest in the morning. To know if the study was actually true we would have to know if the researchers were night people working in the morning, morning people working in the night, morning people working in the morning or night people working in the night...
Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation has toasters for $75 that allows customers to have an image burned onto a piece of toast. So if you have a beautiful women you would just love to eat, take a photo of her, send it to the company and for $75 you can eat her on a piece of toast or send a selfie of yourself and let someone else eat you...
CNN and their foreign correspondent Arwa Damon are being sued by two EMTs after Damon allegedly bit them while they attempted to treat her at the US Embassy in Baghdad. She claims she was in a drunken stupor at the time. If you had to spend your time talking to Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer you would be drunk too...
An American exchange student taking selfie of himself inside Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara's "Pi-Chacan," a giant marble vagina got stuck inside and had to be rescued by firemen. Afterwards he said he felt like a dick...

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