COMEDYZINE.COM

THE WEEKLY TIRADE

By Scotty Kowall

I saw New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrating the Dallas Cowboys win in the owner's box with Jerry Jones. I hate it when you go to high five someone and they don't high five back. That happened to Christie, he went from high five to half-hearted hug. All caught on video. You always look like a moron when you don't get the return high five. I usually high five the other person's back or shoulders when that happens to me. Christie went for a weird man hug. Amazing what a politician will do for money. Dressed in that orange sweater, the governor looked like anything but a cowboy...
Now that oil has dipped below $49 a barrel due mainly to American fracking and Saudi Arabia not cutting their oil production, the effect is lower gasoline and home heating oil costs and more money in the home of American consumers. America has plenty of oil. The gloom and doom of the past that we would run out of oil died with the new technology of fracking that found almost as much oil in this country as Saudi Arabia. Yet for some reason the Republican Congress wants to pass legislation for the Keystone pipeline to bring dirty Canadian tar sands oil to American refineries. It will have zero effect of the price of oil and have little effect on the economy. The Keystone pipeline is nothing more than a political stunt of one-upmanship between the Republican Congress and President Obama. The Republican Congress wants to prove it is in control of Washington by passing it and the president wants to prove he is in control by vetoing it. Fact is Washington is out of control...
Two scientists, Austen Heinz and Gilad Gome are creating a product that would change the smell of a vagina to the scent of peach. Coming soon: Peach vaginas. I suddenly have the urge to play The Allman Brothers Band's Eat a Peach CD...
The Cosby Show star Phylicia Rashad thinks there is a conspiracy to “to keep Bill Cosby off TV.” Apparently losing all those television royalty checks can make one a conspiracy theorist...
Florida Senator Marco Rubio in his new book American Dreams slams Hillary Clinton as “proven herself wedded to the policies and programs of the past.” This is the same guy who slammed President Obama for a new policy on Cuba. Rubio believes the same Cuba policy that hasn't worked for the last fifty years is still the best policy. If anybody is “wedded to the policies and programs of the past” it is Marco Rubio...
Toronto Maple Leafs Phil Kessel got a tad testy when asked by a reporter if he was a difficult guy to coach just after Maple Leafs head coach Randy Carlyle was fired. His response was, “I don't think so. That’s a weird question for you to ask, though, on a day like that when your coach gets fired. You think it’s my fault? Is that what you're saying? This guy’s such an idiot here, he’s always been like that.” Apparently Phil Kessel is a hard guy to get a humble answer from too...
When Sony first refused to release The Interview I couldn't help but think of another movie. Back in the good old days of the 1990's there was a movie called The Pope Must Die. It was thought to be so sacrilegious that American television networks and newspapers wouldn't advertise it. They had to change the name to The Pope Must Diet to get released in the United States. In the last twenty odd years we in the U.S. have come along way in our free speech beliefs. Not so much in other parts of the world. China, Russia, North Korea, Cuba, Iran and in most Middle Eastern countries free speech is a concept, not a right. Which brings me to the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo. Every satirical newspaper or magazine, parody website, cartoonist or comedian knows it could very well have been them that were attacked by raving mad lunatics instead of Charlie Hebdo. The thing about satire is when you do it right you usually piss someone off. Charlie Hebdo did it right and they were not afraid to do it right, even after having received death threats from Islam's lunatic sect. This is the world we live in. Instead of mad Christians killing abortion doctors, we have mad Muslims killing satirists. If I was a cartoonist, which I am not, I would draw a satirist abortion doctor making fun of Prophet Muhammad. Just to see who would attempt to kill me first, the Christians or the Muslims...

Tirade Index

ComedyZine.com

COPYRIGHT 2015, SCOTTY KOWALL
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED